still breathin'

i won't be depressed! i refuse to allow myself to get me down! that's the sarafen talkin'! but it must be helping me surpress my self-depricating/sinking-thinking... and i've noticed fewer woe-is-me-i-can't-do-anything-right-nothing-ever-goes-my-way moments, so something must be working! but really, i think i got someone elses' share of junk! 'cause this is just too much wrong for one person! and there better be a pot of gold at the end of the silver lining in the eye of the hurricane or how ever it goes! puh-LEEZE!! i'm so over being in the valley!

5 weeks, 1 day til the wedding

i wanted to log in my feelings re: the 2nd bombing in london, but what's happening in my little world distracts me from the world at large and my greater consciousness... what is it that has me distracted, you may ask... oh! just my upcoming wedding and all that junk that goes along with it! please oh please! when will the stress go away? please tell me it will go away. lie if you must! (breathe in...) some responses for the wedding reception are trickling in, and the ones who haven't responded are somewhat frustrating. for example, evite makes note of when someone views the invitation, but if you don't indicate your response (attending or not) it only registers you as viewed. and may of my guests haven't even viewed it, which makes me think i have the wrong address. and don't get me started on the snail-mail! i sent those out on july 18th and the only one i know has reached is to albuquerque. i mailed one to my house (addressed to Master Orion I. Cooper Adell of course!) and he hasn't received it yet!! wassupwitdat? local delivery should be next day! i inquired at the post office and the manager said there was nothing they can do to track first class mail. and then he gave me the number to consumer affairs. busy-busy-busy. i'm so frustrated. (breathe out...) and i gotta finish the favors... got the personalized ribbons (soooooo cute!) and made bows out of half of them for the shell magnets for the luncheon. gonna wrap the rest around the glass votives and stick tiny shells on them for the reception. and then finish the beach-in-a-jar off with a raffia net (mom that's your idea!) when, when, WHEN??!! this week, i hope. (breathe in & out, & breathe some more...) today, mom and i went to mrs. martinez for my dress fitting. she says "oh, this too small!" (no, duh!) "they no have bigger dress for you?" (i about died! no! they didn't have a bigger size, that's why i'm here to see you, old lady!) "okey, okey... this seam good, i let out one inch..." (a whole inch! there goes my self-esteem...) "i let out here... an here... an here... an..." (alright, that's it! no more eating for me! well, maybe one more piece of chocolate!) (oooh, girl! just breathe!) whoo! is it me & my car without a/c or is it hot as hell out here? dayum! never got this hot in queens! and it's day 3 of this headache. i need some caffine in a bad way!

has it really been 2 weeks?

whew, didn't realize it's been so long... i feel like i've been in a whirlwind for the past few weeks.

1. completed and sent out both on-line and paper invitations
2. interviewed for a great job with the State
3. paid off the jamaica trip... IN FULL!!
4. ordered most of the supplies for the wedding favors
5. bought the rest at michaels
6. never got a call back from the State
7. had a few more fights with j and mom (and a new player: my arrogant brother!)
8. paid for the wedding ceremony (yes! it WAS separate from the trip)
9. ordered the cake
10. and now i'm broker than ever!

i know there's more, but i gotta git!

prayer 4 london: july 7, 2005

as a fellow world citizen and native new yorker, my mourning is anewed and my yet unhealed wounds made fresh. my prayers are with london today, as they were with new york and washington d.c. on september 11th, 2001 and madrid, lest we forget march 11th, 2004. may those who survive be many and find safety & comfort, and those who are lost be few and find peace & rest. remember and honor our fallen; hold close and cherish our beloved. -jameri

long weekend

it's monday... oops! it's tuesday, and i'm so, so, so tired! we had a full weekend with kids and grilling and a camp-out turned camp-in and lots of food and fireworks. i'm pooped! i also had a emotional drag-out with my mother that ended very badly. i really don't want to remember or rehash what was said. suffice to say, we may not have a wedding reception after all. but me and my man are back on track! if this is how my life is gonna be, i'd rather it be me with j than me w'out him. later.

the silent treatment

okay, we had a fight. we argued about money and priorities and my mother and our wedding and my neediness to talk and his un-neediness to talk and what happened? the silent treatment. the shut down. again. he's like a turtle, at any sign of trouble, pop! into the shell. it's like he's an adolescent when he deals with stress in such a juvenile way. the silent treatment. with precision timing (and convenience, i must add): he's over his minutes. boom! he's out. and what do i do? i race him to see who can slam the phone down first! (see! i can regress to pre-teen too!) but that just leaves me empty. so what happens next? i wait 'til he calls or comes by and i cuddle up next to him and start purring and cooing and stroking his ego. i'm so over that! is this what i want for the rest of my life? yes/no/idon'tknow... when will i learn? can i put up with the silent treatment?

am i crazy?

or has my mother and fiancée conspired against me? j assumes that i tell my mother EVERYTHANG about us. he has no idea of what a mother/daughter relationship is. and what he assumes, he gets completely wrong. this time he set me up and i walked right in to the trap. so now i'm the one at fault... again. for our wedding in august we decided for the 2 of us to go to jamaica to get married. he was gonna pay off his share of the trip by today (well, wednesday, but he needed an extension) AND he's still short. (quick note: back in february, i put down the deposit and then some, so my share's all paid off.) and being that my mom is my landlord, i asked her if i could defer the rent 'til next pay period so we could finish payin' for the trip. of course she obliged, but not without plenty of words about triflin' men who allow their women to carry them until they (the women) are in debt. i did NOT need to hear all that from her. what's worse, when i told j what she said, he threw it back in my face that i let her in our business too much! of course i told her why i needed to hold off on the rent, duh! he was the one who suggested it! wow! it's so nice and convenient for me to be close to my mother when it suits him, but every other time, she's meddling in our business. and i talk to her too much. who else am i gonna talk to?!? (sigh) i just spent the last 20 minutes of my life tryin to explain the dynamics of the mother/daughter relationship. he says he's over on his cell phone minutes. oh my wasted breath. his lack of respect for my mother and our relationship is wearin' on my last nerve. i am so tired of defendin' the fact that i actually talk to the people in my life, while he goes about his like a lone ranger. yeah, what i lack in numbers of relationships he lacks in depth. how do we recover from this? i love him so. i want this to work. i'm willing to try anything. i've even redefined my outlook for our marriage. i used to say we needed to compromise, each of us giving way to the other from time to time. i now think it's all about striking a balance. when one is "heavy" the other becomes "light" for balance in the relationship. being the only one to strike the balance is gettin old real fast. i'm so afraid that this strategy is going to fail because i'm the only one putting it to practice... what are we gonna do?

well, where shall i begin? at 36, i have come to grips with the idea that i will not have a best sista/girl/friend in my life. and that need to stop looking outside of self for what self hasn't already fulfilled. i've found that i can be a good friend, but not one who makes soulbonds like some women do. try as i might to forge friendships and force friendships, differences appear, people drift apart, relocate... things happen, circumstances change. call it maturity, growth, evolution, revolution, whatever. now is different than then. i'm no longer that attention-starved girl/woman bent on people pleasing, trying to make everyone like her, but blind to her own needs, ignorant to love of self. now is the time for me to love up on me. to surround myself with a positivity that feeds the soulbond with myself. every person, place, thing, circumstance, i must see and seize as an opportunity for nourishment. i must learn to be my sista/girl/friend. and if i never achieve that woman/soul-bonding with anyone other than myself, i'm ok with that.